What’s In A Name

In answer to that question … quite a lot! As our hooman assistants don’t understand our complex canine language they have no idea of our real names and give us hooman names that they can manage. Our canine names are descriptive – rather like the names Native American people use. For example, my hooman name is ‘Reg’ but the canine dudes and dudettes around here know me as ‘The Great White One Bathed In The Aroma Of Fox Poop With A Bark That Echoes Like Thunder Across The Neighbourhood’ while ‘Stella’ who lives in the house opposite is actually ‘The Short One Who Yaps At Every Sound And Movement Just To Annoy Local Hoomans’.
Hoomans have many odd ways of selecting names and, let’s face it, many odd names – we just have to look at what they call themselves and each other!
Some hoomans are influenced by celebrities and what they name their offspring so if your hoomans are in that group … all I can say is bad luck!
Don’t let them label you ‘Moon Unit’, ‘Harper-7’, ‘Ode-Mountain’ or ‘Apple’ or ‘Blanket’ … oh yes they really exist in the hooman world. Even worse some celebrities name their mini-hoomans after the places where they were … ahem … ‘created’! Yuck fancy everybody knowing that sort of information and what if your hoomans collect you from Southend, Westward Ho!, Upperthong or Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch? Not only might you be ridiculed for having a strange name you could be out of the county by the time your hooman has called ‘Come back Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch’!
Sport-mad hoomans can be just as insensitive. They probably think naming you after their favourite sports-person or team is a fantastic idea. No, no, no – don’t let them. Sport is about competition so if your hooman really, really likes a person or team there will be others who really, really, REALLY don’t and why should you be unpopular? Also sports teams can become rubbish and sports-persons can do bad things – you don’t want that shame and embarrassment. So sport is a really big NO for naming ideas.
Some hoomans watch too much TV and get naming ideas from their favourite programmes – especially from sci-fi and fantasy programmes. I don’t think any of you dudes and dudettes really want to be ‘Kirk’, ‘Grand Maester Pycelle’, ‘Severus Snape’ or ‘Thranduil’. Besides, if something or some name is in fashion it can soon be out of fashion and who wants to be dated?
In addition to all the above some of us bull breeds have to contend with inappropriately ‘powerful’ names and we really don’t like it. Life is difficult enough being labelled dangerous, banned or vicious by people who don’t know us and we have the dreaded BSL to worry about too. Give us the ‘wrong’ name and if we ever have to look for a new home research has shown we will spend much longer waiting in kennels.
We would like our hoomans to put time and thought into the important job of naming and to remember they are selecting a name for us so we don’t want to be lumbered with some old name they liked before they even met us. All hooman members of the pack must agree on one name and it has to be something we can understand. We must be included in any deliberation and our hoomans need to look at us to see if their idea really suits us. They should watch us while they try a few suggestions – that way if we like their choice we can acknowledge it and if we don’t we can ignore it!
Don’t forget you will also be referred to by your pack name on occasions so if your pack has a hugely complicated, hyphenated name you really need something simple – who want’s the embarrassment of the V-E-T stumbling over something like Ponsonby Cholmondeley-Patternoster!
Maybe hoomans should experience thoughtless naming just to know how it feels! Tee hee hee … just think of the fun we could have if we named them. ‘Mr Banana Smith the Doctor will see you now’. Hysterical! What about ‘Will you Diamonte-Lupin take Duvet Walton-on-the-Naze as your ….’ OMG! I am laughing so much I might have to excuse myself … no wait … just one more … ‘Will Dr Spock-Who Villa please make her way to the customer service desk where Marciano Bonecrusher-Hitman is waiting.’ Priceless Reg signature